Bob

This is my bathroom scale.  As you can see, there are no numbers on it because I cannot stand on it and take a picture of it at the same time….No, really, I cannot.  It is mentally impossible.

I like to refer to my scale affectionately as Bob or Son of a Bitch (sorry, mom)…it really depends on the day.

There are some things you should know about Bob.  Bob has a lot of influence in my life. He can really make or break my morning until I forget his supportive or hurtful remarks.  He also is quite controlling dictating in no uncertain terms what I should eat and how much of it I should consume.  You would think it important break off a relationship like this, but unfortunately, society keeps telling me that it is healthier for me to be in a good relationship with Bob than out of it.  Bob has a lot of power.

Sometimes, I break free of Bob and rebelliously consume cheesecake or homemade chocolate chip cookies, but I can hardly think of myself as courageous as I avoid Bob for a few days until things have settled down.  If I am lucky and show appropriate remorse, he will have forgotten about my transgression and welcome me back with open arms.

There are a few tips and tricks I’ve learned to get Bob to be kinder to me such as being positioned well on our slightly uneven floor and by not consuming water for about 8 hours before I visit Bob.  Fiber is also another key ingredient to a peaceful existence with Bob. You think that this is a lot of trouble to go to for Bob’s approval, but you don’t know the mind games Bob plays.  I see his influence on magazine covers and television.  It appears I’m not the only one under Bob’s spell.

In thinking about my relationship with Bob, it’s one of co-dependency.   He needs my batteries, and I need his love. I’m looking forward to the day I figure out how I can live without Bob and end this toxic relationship. 

That said, I’m in my 40s (if I haven’t said that already) and am hardly shooting for a super model career.   Nope, my goal is much lower…perhaps a little less muffin to my top, to keep my feet in view and have my current wardrobe fit a little less snugly.

One day though, Bob, I’m going to break free, and your hold on me will end.  My only hope is that it ends not just for me, but for all of you held hostage by Bob’s opinion.

You own me no more, Bob!
Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

Dear Instagram Men

Being a novice social media user and a complete newbie at Instagram, I signed up for an account a few weeks ago.  I received an outpouring of amazing support, but I also received an interesting phenomenon which had not occurred on my other social media sites. As a polite human being, I have decided to address my concerns in one blanket blog letter.

Dear Instagram Men

This letter is to address all you wonderful manly followers who have messaged me privately with a “Hey” or “Hey Pretty.”  Momentarily swept off my feet, I felt I should take the time to appreciate your interest, but let you know the reasons why I have not messaged you back. 

I assure you that it was nothing to do you with your personally as not knowing you I naturally checked out your selection of 3 to 5 Instagram posts, all pictures of yourself.  Your pictures were very diverse and gave me a complete picture of your personality and heart.  My gold-digging side especially appreciated the picture of the gentleman in his doctor’s gear and I adopted a Southern swoon when I saw the picture of the Admiral in full dress uniform.  For future reference if you are going to be messaging women in the 40s, the pictures of shirts off and beach poses are less enamoring and to be straight to the point…show me the money.

There are things about me that you should know before you decided to follow that “Hey” up with a “How you doing.”

Aside from all the reasons why most people would think it inappropriate to start an internet fling (which I assume is what you want) like being already married, the following outlines things you may need to know about me.

  • While the beginning stages of a relationship are fresh, new and exciting, I am much too tired for it.  My husband and I have put a lot of work to establish our relationship of +20 years.  A lot of sweat and tears has occurred to mold us into the wonderful marital specimens we are today.  If you are confused, let me be more specific.  We can look at each other after someone says something and both have the same thought of what movie quote is applicable to the situation.   We know each other’s favorite foods and how we each like our coffee.  We mostly know what we are going to say next, but not enough where you don’t want to hear it anymore.  When we are annoyed with each other, we are old enough to forget why after about 15 minutes.  This is a delicate balance that has taken time to acquire and the thought of attempting to duplicate it makes me want a nap.
  • All day, every day, I am surrounded by people and animals.  I love them all; yet, my introverted heart craves time on my own to follow my own thoughts.  Having to fit another activity into an already people and animal-filled schedule does not fill me with delight.  I just want to be alone for a little while and overdose on podcasts.
  • I know you probably messaged me because you have a sense of my personality that radiated through the 11 posts I currently have online.  Reviewing the ones I posted for a refresher, you know I am a pet lover, like clean socks and flowers, drinking and nature walks.  A recipe for a solid relationship.  Don’t be fooled.  It’s just a show.  I’m actually quite self-absorbed, go outside because my dogs make me and stole the socks from my children (yes, I said children).
  • If it was in fact my looks that drew you in, please know that it took me 40 pictures to get the one that I am now using as my Instagram photo.  There were no filters used so my fresh happy glow is my own with the help of anti-aging moisturizer and a blot-out-the glow foundation, but I did have to try different angles to prevent the development of multiple chins and crop out my weedy garden.

Now you’re probably relieved that this online conversation is going no further, and for that I am happy.  It was never my intention to hurt your feelings..just help redirect you to another possibility. 

Never lose hope.  Your Instagram fling is just around the corner.

Not yours truly,

Accepting Jane