Dance with Reliability

I’ve had a dance with reliability ongoing my whole life. This has not been a beautiful graceful dance, but rather a dominant partner whisking their victim around in endless circles. Sometimes, I have been in the lead and other times I’ve been taken for a ride, but nevertheless, we have been partners.

My own definition of reliability pertains to relationships, particularly friendships in my life. I’ve had big issues with friends who cancel appointments repeatedly and use words like “flow with life.” When they say “flow,” I hear “you’re not a priority.”

For a period, I thought something was wrong with me. Why was I so darn sensitive and needy? Why was I so bothered by “flowing.” In essence, flowing is a beautiful thing. It’s being mindful, isn’t it? Did I have so little in my life that I needed to be upset by these frequent perceived rejections?

Then for another period, I felt that something was wrong with them. Were they so wishy washy that they couldn’t commit? If you were going to be this type of friend, then I needed to cut you from my life. Only reliable friends need apply here. My armor went up.

Cut is such an ugly word. It’s a word that makes me feel powerful, but really keeps me small. Cancer needs to be cut out. Harmful relationships need be cut out. Relationships that challenge me to grow are a part of my spiritual journey.

At the age of 44, I am now tired of playing these mental games with myself, and I am definitely done with apologizing for my “defects” or perceiving others to be defected. Leaning in towards acceptance, I understand that I require reliability to have a trusting relationship. Those people are a part of my inner circle, and I am so grateful for them. My friends who flow I celebrate that they are following their authenticity and have set boundaries (limits that create healthy mental, emotional and physical energy) that honor us both. They are my “don’t life so seriously” reminders.

The dance with reliability is much more beautiful now, graceful and allowing, What a lovely things to be able to let all that negative energy go.

unsplash-logoJulia Caesar

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