Dance with Reliability

I’ve had a dance with reliability ongoing my whole life. This has not been a beautiful graceful dance, but rather a dominant partner whisking their victim around in endless circles. Sometimes, I have been in the lead and other times I’ve been taken for a ride, but nevertheless, we have been partners.

My own definition of reliability pertains to relationships, particularly friendships in my life. I’ve had big issues with friends who cancel appointments repeatedly and use words like “flow with life.” When they say “flow,” I hear “you’re not a priority.”

For a period, I thought something was wrong with me. Why was I so darn sensitive and needy? Why was I so bothered by “flowing.” In essence, flowing is a beautiful thing. It’s being mindful, isn’t it? Did I have so little in my life that I needed to be upset by these frequent perceived rejections?

Then for another period, I felt that something was wrong with them. Were they so wishy washy that they couldn’t commit? If you were going to be this type of friend, then I needed to cut you from my life. Only reliable friends need apply here. My armor went up.

Cut is such an ugly word. It’s a word that makes me feel powerful, but really keeps me small. Cancer needs to be cut out. Harmful relationships need be cut out. Relationships that challenge me to grow are a part of my spiritual journey.

At the age of 44, I am now tired of playing these mental games with myself, and I am definitely done with apologizing for my “defects” or perceiving others to be defected. Leaning in towards acceptance, I understand that I require reliability to have a trusting relationship. Those people are a part of my inner circle, and I am so grateful for them. My friends who flow I celebrate that they are following their authenticity and have set boundaries (limits that create healthy mental, emotional and physical energy) that honor us both. They are my “don’t life so seriously” reminders.

The dance with reliability is much more beautiful now, graceful and allowing, What a lovely things to be able to let all that negative energy go.

unsplash-logoJulia Caesar

Carving Out Time

It is 4 a.m., and this is what self-care looks like. Perhaps, you muse there’s a masseuse waiting behind the door for my 30 minutes of serenity or the sounds of a plane taking off as I taxi my way to a scenic tropical destination complete with a swim-up bar and a bathing suit of coconuts.

Nope, not so much.

My self-care episode takes place in the form a hot cup of coffee, two dogs lying by my side and my laptop computer. No, the digital world has not yet mastered the virtual massage…I’m writing.

I know later I will have to blot the large bags under my eyes with a little extra age-defying lotion and will yawn apologetically when my family is talking to me, but my hope is I will also bask in the knowledge that I did it…I finally sat down and wrote something.

The road to eloquently and intelligently expressing myself will be a long one. Right now, I equate that I am at the caveman “Ug, me write” stage; however with time in spent on my craft, I know I will achieve my goal of being able to convey what is in my heart and my head to the written word in a way that resonates.

This writing journey, however, gets even longer when I continually allow life to prevent me from taking the first steps. My fear is that I will not spend time doing any writing until life is convenient (e.g. retired and no children at home) and then start writing about my hip pain and bunions (which could be equally fascinating subjects in an accomplished writer’s hands!). Let’s face it, for me the chaos of life with my family, work and all the unexpected moments that ensue is subject material and the hardships I face at this stage are ones of great personal growth (the forcible improvement of oneself as a human being in spite of one’s adult temper tantrum).

A fascinating fact in my world is that I will always allow time for work and will always achieve my deadlines; however, I will not do the same for projects in my life that do not provide financially (yet) for my family.
The solution…take a little of my usual work time and turn it into writing time and play catch up later with work instead of trying to fit writing into my day. Brilliant!

So here I sit, sipping my delicious coffee and making the first step in a journey of many 4 a.m. mornings.