Day 54 – Facing Insecurity in a Haircut

Today, I got a haircut.  For most people, this would be filed under one of the many errands they completed in a day.  For me, it’s another hurdle on the lifelong self-esteem triathlon.  In other words, it’s a big deal.

There are a variety of reasons I procrastinate on haircuts, and the one I’d like most to put forward is that I’m just not about the external.  The day allots us 24 hours to fill with all the things that are important to us, and I prefer to prioritize the internal development of my character.

Now if you believe that…don’t bother continuing to read.  Just go have a cup of tea and appreciate my evolved being.

Darn, you kept reading.  The real reason I dislike haircuts is the idea of sitting in a chair facing myself in a mirror for 30+ minutes bring out my insecurities.  The reflection of a face lined with a few more lines, plumper around the cheeks and multiplying chins (there is another one each time!) creates a feeling of low self-esteem that I prefer to avoid by not making eye contact with myself in a mirror unless absolutely necessary.

The other deterrent to haircuts is my introvertedness…making conversation with a hairstylist is exhausting.  If I get a chatty one, bonus!  I can listen and add one liners, but they carry the bulk of the conversational burden.  Don’t get me wrong, I love to hear their stories and love learning about another person’s life, I just don’t like the unpredictable nature…nothing to prepare for.

I did manage to luck out today though.  My stylist was chatty and an authentic soul, and we had a real soul-bearing conversation.  I actually started to get concerned that she wasn’t going to cut my hair at all as she stood chatting for a good 30 minutes before scissors even made contact.

The self-esteem thing on the other hand will continue to be a challenge.  I’m determined though to make peace with myself and most of the time I can achieve it by sheer avoidance, but a lady in her 40s needs to face her demons, get over herself and even elevate to the place of loving the reflection in the mirror no matter how many chins greet her.

In the spirit of continued self-growth, I did an online search for courses on self-love and found Loving Yourself by Louise Hay; however, I do not have $89 US to spend on a course in loving myself as I do not love an empty wallet.  So, my next alternative was to hit the library and order The Body is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor.  I love the book cover.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

If you feel like sharing your self-love successes, I could use the help.

Note:  When I got home, my DS and DH both wondered where I had been and didn’t realize that I gotten my hair cut, so obviously not a big external change…good internal reflection though.


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